Sneaky Soul Killer

It's 9 and I'm pretty tired but not tired enough to shut down my brain and crawl into bed. I look around at out little room at the pile of dirty laundry, the unfolded clean clothes, and the various baby toys strewn about. There are two laundry baskets just sitting in our room and I'm not even sure why. As I look I think "How do other moms do it?"

And therein lies where my heart truly is.

Comparison. The kind that eats into your soul just a little at a time. It's so sneaky. So small. You don't even realize it's happening, until you realize that it's happening. And I realized it's happening.

I compare myself a lot to the idea of what I call the Put Together Momma.

Why can't I be as active as other moms? Why don't I go see people more, like other moms? Why isn't my ONE ROOM ALWAYS immaculate? I mean, other moms have whole HOUSES and they keep up with it. Why don't I have delicious dinners waiting for my husband to come home to? Why does 20 hours of working (no matter how much I love my job, and I do love it) feel like 80 by the end of the week? Other moms work 40 and still manage to have time with their little ones...

Other moms. Other people. Why this, why that...why do I even bother I want to ask.

This simple thing crushes your soul. I find myself asking if I'm good enough. I find myself begging to be better.

It takes a moment to sink in, that I am doing the best that I can with what I have right now. That the truth of my life is that by the time I get home from an 8 hour shift, I. Am. Tired. And I would rather take a hot shower than fold clothes. I would rather hold my snuggley baby at night rather than put her down and go to sleep myself.

I remind myself that we all have our struggles. While I appreciate those moms who seem to have to all together, I know they have their own moments of doubt. I think each mother does.

I will not compare myself to you, Put Together Momma. I will not. I will love you, like Christ loves me, because that's all I can do. And I am learning, slowly, to love myself the way Christ loves me. After all, I need Grace sometimes too.

Still Here!

Just wanted to post real quick, I haven't forgotten my blog. I think about it often, and think, I should write something, and then I get sucked into baby snuggling...or feeding...or playing, so writing here has taken a small back seat. I go back to work soon though, and lunch breaks are a great time to write. :)

Ellie is wonderful. I love posting pictures of her, I love her smile, and I love her goofy giggle/cough thing that she does. I love seeing her with Blair and I love the joy she brings to so many others. She's two months old today, and finally wearing something other than newborn clothes. I love her. I love her a whole bunch. It's been a wild ride these past two months, harder and more rewarding than I could ever imagine. I look forward to telling the stories of this beautiful artwork that Blair and I created together. We sure did a good job with this baby making business. :)

PUSH: The Labor Playlist

You know what I'm most excited about with this pregnancy?

Labor. That's what. I'm so stupidly excited to be in labor. I can't truly explain it, and I won't try to hard, because there are plenty of people who are probably like "You have no idea, you'll hate it." No. I won't. And most woman, if they're honest, won't and don't either. Why? Because you have a tiny little baby that you carried around with you for 40ish weeks and you finally get to meet them.

Maybe I just grew up weird, with a Mommy who talked about Birth and Labor and nursed (gasp!) in front of her older children. Maybe it's because when I was really small, maybe 7 or 8, I found her Bradley Birthing Method book and looked through. Have you ever seen that book? 1, It's a wonderful book and incredibly useful for a laboring mom and her partner, 2, there are some awesome pictures of laboring women in it. I wasn't scared though, to me, it seemed perfectly natural. I saw the looks on the women's faces too, I could see that they were working HARD, but it never occurred to me that they were in pain, or hated what they had to go through. It never occurred to me that a 7/8 year old should or shouldn't be looking at pictures of women pushing babies out of their vagina's. Although for the longest time, I really did think we pooped babies out and got worried when I went number two. For real. That happened in my little kid brain. :)

Maybe it's because since becoming an adult, I've seen one of my best friends in labor three times. No joke. I was there. It was real life. Or maybe I'm not scared of home birth because I got to witness another amazing friend bring her son into the world, at home. I've seen it all and felt some of it. I got hold my friends belly while her taunt tummy contracted around her daughter. I've cried each time I've seen these things. To see the strength there, the beauty...why is our culture so afraid of birth? Why don't we support one another's choices to birth where and how we want?

See, I don't like being told what to do. When I'm in pain, or working hard, I normally put on head phones, turn on some music and retreat to a very primal place where I work hard and get a job done. I've done it with yard work, with painting, with cleaning, with loads of things. I also know when I need people to look me in the eyes and tell me "Yes, you can do this." Therein lies the Husband's job.

I have more dreams about the labor that I look forward to than giving birth to kittens or whatever else people say you dream about. I have dreams about squatting next to our bed, holding my husbands hands, looking him in the eyes, and pushing. I tell myself, even now, you know, you can DO this. 

I'm not afraid. Oh but please don't think I don't have a healthy respect for labor and birth! Hence the reason I have a Midwife, hence the reason I have my mother who is also my Doula, because those woman, they know more than me medically wise. I have my primal instincts, but there are things I don't know, that they do. While I am not afraid, I have a healthy respect for what is unknown to me.

I  was thinking about all this today because I have to be excited about something, I just find it amusing that I'm most excited about the part that most women are afraid of, or don't look forward too. I'm a little weird.
I was also thinking about all this, because I made a playlist for myself called Push, and I wanted to share it. These are songs, for whatever reason, that I want to listen to while I'm working like I'll have to. Some of them are funny, some of them are serious, some remind me how I am fearfully and wonderfully made, some remind me of my husband. I have my reasons. I'm sure I'll add more as time goes by, but it's just fun to share. :)

• Falling into You, our wedding song, Maw
• Be Born, Tally Hall
• Summertime, Mae
• We Are Gonna Be Friends, The White Strips
• Eye of the Tiger, Survivor
• Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things), Chris Tomlin/David Crowder, Passion
• Viva La Vida, Coldplay (a feel good song for me.)
• Easy Silence, Dixie Chicks
• Crags and Clay, Gungor
• Lullaby, Dixie Chicks
• Crazy, Gnarles Barkley 
• Waiting for This, Hanson (I found this amusing)
• Sort Of, Ingrid Michealson 
• God Will Lift Up Your Head, Jars Of Clay
• Blessing in the Storm, Kirk Franklin
• The Circle Of Life, Lion King (Hey man, it's true! I'm giving birth! It makes sense!)
• Doxology, Micheal Gungor (I need some Camp in there for strength)
• I Will Wait, Mumford and Sons
• Looks Like Love, Needtobreathe
• Not With Haste, Mumford and Sons
• Fireflies, Owl City
• I Miss You, Blink 182 (Long story, but I want it there!)
• Man, I Feel Like A Woman, Shania Twain (you can't get much more womanly than birth yo!)
• Such Great Heights, The Postal Service 
• Us, Regina Spektor
• For the Moments I Feel Faint, Relient K
• Must Have Done Something Right, Relient K
• Captivated, Shawn McDonald
• I Celebrate the Day, Relient K (I know it's a "Christmas" song, but the lyrics are so good, and it would be a day to celebrate, no?)
• The Light, Sara Bareilles

It's all so exciting. And hey, we're almost there! Crazy to think that we're pretty much kinda half through our pregnancy waiting to meet our little girl. 

You know, despite everything, God is Good. 

Difference Between What I Deserve and What I Am Blessed With

Alright people, after much consideration and coercion from a friend, I decided all the sudden I look pregnant. It's gotten so weird. In the past week it feels like a toaster, she just popped out! Here we are at 19, almost 20 weeks and I all the sudden feel pregnant. It's a real thing, don't judge. I DO want to take a FEW pictures so that when Ellie tries to convince us she was adopted, I can be like, "Um, no child, no. I was very much pregnant with you. Let me tell you stories!"

Here lately I had been feeling better. I got a lot done this week and was excited about how good I felt. Today however, there was a set back, which I have to admit, made me upset. I forget that sometimes, I don't have the answers, and no, I don't have this figured out. Bad days are just that. Bad days. Not months, and I have to and am trying to accept that.

I've been thinking a lot about the people who are so excited for us. People I haven't seen or talked to in years have suddenly found me and expressed how excited they are for us. I've gotten so many packages, and I'm so thankful. Truthfully, it helps. I have to keep reminding myself that she is real, and she is down there, and growing, and there is an end in sight. There is a baby, she is ours for a while, and we get to love her, for however long that might be.

One thing though that people keep saying to me that keeps ringing around in my ears though is this phrase, "No one deserves a baby more than you Maddie." Or "You and Blair deserve to have a baby." I know what they mean, and I accept what they are saying, but I'll be honest, I don't agree.

I don't think any one person deserves a child, or a baby. I think they're blessings. No matter how long you have them for, we all know how I feel about that. :) But let me make this clear, if we're talking about things I deserve, guarding and bringing a life into this world is not one of them. I'm unworthy of this honor, to be a Mother, to make a life with my Husband, to be pregnant at all. Why, you might ask. Well, I'm a terrible human. No no, you don't understand, I really am. Ask my younger siblings, they'll tell you JUST how mean I am. Ask my Husband, he can tell you my short comings (he won't, because he loves me, but he could!). Ask my own parents, ask the countless friends that I've let down.

I feel that I have been granted this incredible honor to be pregnant. It reminds me a lot of my Faith, and my Savior and the way He saved us. You don't have to agree, that's fine. I'm not pushing this on y'all people. I'm just saying, I have done nothing to deserve His love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, compassion. Nothing. And that's how I feel about this little girl who seems to enjoy sitting right on my bladder. 

I've done nothing worthwhile to deserve her. I've done nothing that makes me into a great or good person, as most, I'm mediocre. I really am. I'm so mean. And I can be, believe it or not, VERY pessimistic. Yet here I am, almost half way done with my pregnancy, supporting this tiny (but getting BIGGER) life that grows and grows.

Oh man it blows my mind some days. Even on days like to day where I did get sick again and couldn't move a lot, it was ok. You know why? I'm starting to feel her move. She kicked me. Little snot that she is, she kicked me. I was laying next to my husband who works 40 hours to support us, holding his hand and I just tightened my grip. He looked over and said, "What is it?" I just smiled and smiled. I can feel her now. So long as she's not punching my bladder, me and her can have fun with this.

Certain things in this world we don't ever deserve. No one person deserves a baby over someone else. I'm not more deserving than anyone else. I can think of so many people I would rather see pregnant right now than myself, I'll be honest. I can think of fellow moms who've longed for babies longer than me, who went through things I couldn't imagine, who deserve a baby more than I do. I can think of friends who have longed in their hearts, to have babies and for whatever reason they had to wait, who deserve a baby more than I do. I can think of people who deserve babies and they don't even know it!

So no, no I don't deserve our Ellie. I don't. Neither does my husband. But oh, oh oh oh, we are blessed with her. Every day she lives we are blessed with her. And that right there, no matter how I feel, is what I cling to.

Just like I have to cling to the cross when I don't feel I deserve His love. Because no, I don't deserve His love, but oh, oh oh oh, I am blessed with it.

A New Perspective; From The Husband

You hear a lot from me, so I asked the Husband to write something as well. Because he's seeing all the crazy stuff happen. I figure, maybe you'd like to hear from him. See we're very different, you'll see once you start reading his writing. I kinda write how I talk and don't go back, he is very logical and it takes him some time to figure out just how he wants to say things. I love him for it. :)

Ladies and Gentlemen without further ado I give you, Blair Jaques' perspective on Hyperemesis Gravidarum, me being sick, and how he felt about it all.

As most of you know, my wife was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I don't need to tell you about it, she's done that. She's told you what it's like. But she's only told you from her perspective.

Now I'll tell you mine.

It's horrible.

Now don't get me wrong. Where we are now? This place is a far better place than where we WERE at, earlier in her pregnancy, with no idea of what was going on and no idea of how to make it better. Now that we know what IT is, things are looking up. Actually, things are absolutely amazing. And I'll be honest, what you'll read in this post, all the negative...I can say with confidence that THAT, is all in the past. Yet the very fact we went through it at all is what forms the basis for my attitude today.

But let me start over.

I wake up in the middle of the night to hurried movement. My first thought is Ellie! and I sense more than see my wife running to the bathroom. To say that the sound of her vomiting is at first a relief shouldn't seem so strange to you. Ever since losing our first child, irrationally, instinctually(call it what you will) my first thoughts of any sort of distress run along the lines of "Oh God, is Ellie alright?". I couldn't bear to lose her too, and I still think this way. At every little alarming noise Maddie makes. Now, Maddie being sick is not a fun sound. I don't have much experience with the whole 'being-around-people-who-vomit' scene, but I know that it is not fun. It sounds like everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is in the process of being disgorged.

Unnecessary? You bet.

It is at these moments I am entirely helpless. There is no control. None, whatsoever. I can't grab a sword and behead the dragon like all the pretty fairytales. This story ends with the castle burning down, the Wicked Witch taking the throne and the dragon eating your Prince Charming.

What you read isn’t even scratching the surface of what I see every day. I see her at her worst, and I see her at her best. But it’s the worst times that drive me so high up the wall. And down as well. There were times of depression where it felt like we couldn’t do anything for days.

I am the man of the house.

This isn't supposed to happen.

I'm supposed to be able to take care of everything.

These are all ideas I have in my head because I was raised to be responsible, raised to be a protector, raised to be a father. And my parents didn't fail in that.  But it’s a humbling experience to see my wife crouched over a toilet, knowing I can do nothing to help. If I can’t physically take the pain for her, I can do things around the house to make her day easier. The less she has to do, the better off she’ll be. At the same time I try to encourage her to do whatever it is she CAN do, however small. Even if that means she picks up ten pieces of laundry, then she needs a nap. Or shopping on line for two hours for baby clothes, and then needing another nap.

What I’ve come to realize through all of this is that we must take each day as just that. So, day by day. That’s how we do this. And that’s what I tell myself, until I’m okay with it, and it’s bearable. But that isn’t how I think any more. I remind myself every day that I’m a Daddy, and my little girl is going to be in so much trouble for putting us through this mess…well, I’m sure that the first time I lay eyes on my Ellie I’ll forget all that.

A Lady Day

Had the opportunity today to go talk about some things with some wonderful woman! It is amazing to me the things that they do not teach you in school, and all the things that are lacking in our education, especially as woman.

My mother, younger sisters and I headed to a Seminar this weekend called Maidens By His Design. We learned about menstruation  hormones, cramps, herbs, alternates to feminine products, and we talked about taking your thoughts captive. If you aren't a girl, and you don't want to know about these things, well, I feel for you. God has designed our bodies for a specific reason, and with woman to have you boys, you wouldn't be here. I am blessed with a man who loves every aspect of who God has created me to be, including the parts that people think are "gross". I have ovaries  And a uterus. And that is where a baby is grown and protective. My Beloved, he knows this, and loves that God would do such an amazing thing. You can get even more information going to this site on facebook.

I think the thing that struck me most was "being hormonal is not an excuse to sin." The woman who wrote the curriculum for the girls is actually a midwife, who I've seen her in action (October 1st, 2012, the first time I saw a home birth and photographed it!). She was talking at one point about how she tells pregnant woman that very thing that being in labor is no reason to sin. As I am not pregnant (yet, Lord-Willing!) I applied this to my own life. The week before I start, I get crazy. I cry for no reason, I get angry for no reason, I sometimes get super hyper. It's insanity. Recently, I've noticed more and more how those violent moods affect others, and how they make others feel.

What I took from this seminar, along with a lot of vocabulary that I didn't know that I didn't know, I learned and took to heart to take my thoughts captive. I used to tell my Beloved that ADHD was an explanation  not an excuse. Well the same goes for me and hormones. It is an explanation, not an excuse to be mean to him or others. I need to focus MORE on the Lord when it's "that time of month" or as I like to say when I'm "being a girl".

It was a lot to think about. But this is what I think I need to work on the most.