Battling Irrationality

I am not to much of a coward to admit that I get scared.

I think that cowardly people are the ones that don't admit when they are scared. I think that by admitting you are scared you take power away from what it is that is making you scared, and you allow others into your mind where they can calm those fears.

I grew up around childbirth. I went to school and would come home to a baby. I looked through the Bradley Birthing Method book at a young age. When I was 19, I saw my best friend push out my God Daughter, since then, I've seen four other births. It's something that I've talked about, read about it, know about, am educated about.

However, I have never given birth myself. Not to a full term baby. So no, I don't know what contractions feel like, I don't know what it feels like to need to push, I don't know what it's like to get to a point in labor where you just think, "What the hell am I doing?" And yes, just like that. The sensations will be all new to me, something different that I've never experienced.

And I am not to much of a coward to not admit that the thought of giving birth at the end of June/maybe July, kinda scares me a little. I mean, ok, maybe I need to rephrase how I'm wording this. I just have an incredibly high respect for it, sometimes, though, that respect borders on irrational fears.

I am not scared of what my body can do. I am not scared of what God has created me to do. I am not scared of the pain, it is temporary, fleeting, and worth it to hold my daughter.

I am scared of what I don't know. I am scared of all the "what-ifs" and basically, the things that are out of my own control.

Here is how I am battling these fears: talking, listening, praying, trusting in those who know more than me. Trusting that my midwife has all the knowledge she needs to help me bring my daughter into this world. Trusting that my husband will be by my side, eager to help (where he can), knowing that he will encourage me. Talking about these fears with my Husband, asking him to listen to me, however much invalid or unlikely they are. Listening to those who have done this before, who tell me that it really truly is all worth, regardless of if your birth goes how you planned it or not. Praying that no matter what does happen, God is glorified through this experience, and that His ultimate goal for us is achieved. To bring into this world a life we've been blessed with.

In the past year I've been around and experienced a lot of those unknowns. Tragic things, hard things that cut you to the core. I've seen grieving mothers, grieved myself, and grown so much because of it. I have a very clear idea, in my head, how I want things to go to bring Ellie Girl into this world. Certain things I do know, like I just want to be home surrounded by my Husband, Mother, Best Friend, and a midwife who lets me labor, and is there as my just in case. I want to trust that my body can handle this. I know that I can do it, and I know in the throes of labor I'm going to try to convince my Mommy, my Husband, and my Best Friend, that I can't do it, that I won't do it, that I don't want to do it any more. I know in my heart, that each person in their own way will tell me that I can, that I will, and that I have to.

I'm finding out that the people who surround you before your labor and during it matter so much. That if I didn't have my Husband and Mother and Best Friend and amazing Midwife, I'm not sure I would be given leave to trust the way that I want to.

My crazy hormonal pregnant mind day dreams a lot about what could happen, what might happen. Each time I start to panic slightly about what I can't control, I remember something. God is in control. He's in control now, and He will be in control then. Regardless of what happens, or doesn't happen, He is still there. Why do we all seem to think in these moments of desperation that He just isn't there? I'm guilty of it. But I don't want to be.

I imagine myself in my bedroom at four in the morning, hanging onto my husband, crying because I can't, and I pray in those moments that I hear that still small voice who says "You know, you're right, you can't, I can, because I Am." THIS is what I want to remember to stop these irrational fears. THIS is what I want to remember while surrounded by the people I have gathered to be my birth team. THIS is what I want to remember IF we have to transfer. THIS is what I want to remember IF she is breech and the little sucker doesn't turn. THIS is what I want to remember IF nothing goes like how I want it go.

That I serve I Am, and in those moments, I'm surrounded by His Love. 

By the way, I love love LOVE this picture.

This Comes Up A Lot...

We aren't even through one pregnancy and something keeps popping up, so I decided to just go ahead and set this to rest right now.

Here's what people seem to want to know: After getting so sick, will you and Blair have more kids?

Let's put this to rest right now: YES. 

We celebrated one year together yesterday on the 23, and it was hysterical. I got sick in the morning and he ended up in the bathroom with me putting a cool cloth on my head. THAT my friends, is what REAL love looks like. Everyone likes to ask Blair this question, and I get it a lot already too.

It's a fair question really, considering how sick I did get. It was really scary there for a few months. November and December and the beginning of January were not my favorite times. I can understand why people ask...though, I'm never sure why people are so interested in my or anyone else's uterus. Either people don't have enough and the uterus should be filled, or you have to many and should remain empty...everyone seems to have an opinion about it...no matter whose it is....but I digress...

After going through Hyperemesis, knowing there is a chance we (yes we, Blair and I go through this TOGETHER, it's not just me...) could we or do we want more babies?

Why in the world wouldn't we want more? We've both known we want the blessing of children, and after loosing our first, that thought solidified even more in our minds. Do I want to have babies back to back? No. Am I a little frightened on not living close to family who can help take care of us? Yes. Does this stop me trusting that God already knows what He's got in store for us? Heck no.

Even now our Ellie Girl is worth the wait, and worth the sickness. I look forward to seeing who she looks like, to be privileged enough to be her mother, to get to know her as a human, to talk to her about Jesus and how much she is loved by Him and by us. I look forward to poopy diapers, and nursing in the middle of night, I'm even excited for the first time I think "Oh crap, I can't do this" and I call my Mommy or best friends crying because she's crying and I don't know what to do. I look forward to tell people how big she is, what her name is, why she is named that, and I look forward to her being a big sister.

I understand that God has his plans, and if it's His plan that I only physically have her, that's enough, there are so many babies out there unloved who need families. We would be more than willing to have them, I know it. It makes me giggle a little that people think that because I got sick this time that I won't want more...silly people!

You know, the first time I tried sushi I didn't like it, but then I ate it some more and it was ok. I didn't like roller coasters at first and now I freaking love them. I had a bad experience once with friends who turned their backs, doesn't mean I love less now. There were a string of guys who hurt me deeply and badly, didn't stop me from finding and loving my husband.

This pregnancy has been hard and rough, but it will not stop me from loving our Daughter. And it will not stop me from Trusting that my Father in Heaven knows what He's doing, and if it means I get sick seven times with seven babies, then God help me through it. 

He doesn't just leave us when bad things happen. He equips us. He helps us. He sends us people. He has sent people to help me clean, to encourage me, and most importantly, He matched me up with a Man who when I puke, comes and sits with me in the bathroom. He has shown me great Love and great Mercy. And we got pregnant again, He would do it again. I would find out even MORE about this God who I love so so so much.

Being sick during a pregnancy doesn't stop God from being Holy. Of all things I've learned, through these past months, is that God is still God. It's not like He quits or something...

So yes, Blair and I, if the Lord allows, are still VERY willing to have more babies. Hyperemesis or no...:)

A Lady Day

Had the opportunity today to go talk about some things with some wonderful woman! It is amazing to me the things that they do not teach you in school, and all the things that are lacking in our education, especially as woman.

My mother, younger sisters and I headed to a Seminar this weekend called Maidens By His Design. We learned about menstruation  hormones, cramps, herbs, alternates to feminine products, and we talked about taking your thoughts captive. If you aren't a girl, and you don't want to know about these things, well, I feel for you. God has designed our bodies for a specific reason, and with woman to have you boys, you wouldn't be here. I am blessed with a man who loves every aspect of who God has created me to be, including the parts that people think are "gross". I have ovaries  And a uterus. And that is where a baby is grown and protective. My Beloved, he knows this, and loves that God would do such an amazing thing. You can get even more information going to this site on facebook.

I think the thing that struck me most was "being hormonal is not an excuse to sin." The woman who wrote the curriculum for the girls is actually a midwife, who I've seen her in action (October 1st, 2012, the first time I saw a home birth and photographed it!). She was talking at one point about how she tells pregnant woman that very thing that being in labor is no reason to sin. As I am not pregnant (yet, Lord-Willing!) I applied this to my own life. The week before I start, I get crazy. I cry for no reason, I get angry for no reason, I sometimes get super hyper. It's insanity. Recently, I've noticed more and more how those violent moods affect others, and how they make others feel.

What I took from this seminar, along with a lot of vocabulary that I didn't know that I didn't know, I learned and took to heart to take my thoughts captive. I used to tell my Beloved that ADHD was an explanation  not an excuse. Well the same goes for me and hormones. It is an explanation, not an excuse to be mean to him or others. I need to focus MORE on the Lord when it's "that time of month" or as I like to say when I'm "being a girl".

It was a lot to think about. But this is what I think I need to work on the most.