Chapter Eleven: "The Hardest Thing"

Want to hear something hysterical?

When I was 15 almost 16, I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do was to move from where my family lives in Virginia Beach to where we live now. I thought I wouldn't survive it. I thought I would hate my parents forever.

When I was 19 going on 20, I thought that the hardest thing that I would ever have to do was to get through college and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I wouldn't ever know "who" I was and I spent a lot of time figuring that out, and not always in the best ways.

When I was 22, I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do was find a man who would want me after all the crap I had done. I didn't think it was possible for a man to love me. I made fun of those who tried. I gave up when I realized Blair actually did love me.

When I was 22, I thought that the hardest thing I would ever have to go through was losing a baby at nine weeks. I thought my heart would irrevocably break and I wouldn't ever be able to function again. I spent months crying and asking Why, and forgetting God's control. I was terrified when I found out we were pregnant with Ellie, convinced that if "it" would happen again, I'd never recover.

When I was 23, I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do was to survive the birth of my daughter. I thought that I would never feel like me again and thought that Blair and I would never be "us" again.

When I was 24, I thought the hardest thing I would ever go through was a second miscarriage. This one I would push down, hide my feelings, run away so that I didn't have to feel. I felt jaded, cheated...this had already happened once...I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that it was happening again.

Now. Here I am at 25, with a month old son still in the hospital after he had open heart surgery.

Why is this hysterical?

Because each of those things were the hardest things when I was going through them. Each thing stretched me and pushed me and amazingly, I got through EACH thing. Regardless of that fact that I thought I never would. Looking back, I realize how short term each of those things were. How temporary. How amazing. How God used those things to shape me into be more like Christ. How I grew.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison". 

-2 Corinthians 4:17

The days have dragged on for us. Each one blending into the next. I cannot believe we've been here for a month. I cannot believe my son is a month old. I keep thinking that the "hard" parts are over only to get slammed with another hurdle we have to overcome. Another hurdle my son has to overcome. Some days, man does this get to me. 

Monday was so rough for me. I'm not sure where my heart was or my head were, but it wasn't right. It certainly wasn't focused on the Lord. I felt defeated, scared, frustrated, and weary. I crawled into my husbands arms and he held me while I cried, while I told him over and over again, "I just wish we were all home, I just feel useless, I just want to take this from our son." 

In those deep secret moments it is hard to remember that this is a light momentary affliction. It is hard to remember that one day, something else will come into our lives and I will think, "This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through." It is hard to remember that one day I will look back on this and see God's hand through it all, not that I'm not seeing it now. 

In the midst of the storms though, we often forget that sun light ever existed. 

It does though. 

Already I am seeing God shape me. Already I am seeing God use our son's life to touch others. Already I am growing from this experience, in ways I never thought possible. God's glory is profound and will not be stopped. I see it. 

Seeing it and feeling it though are two different things. 

I am fighting every day to make sure that my heart and head collide, and when they do, I make sure that the Truth is there. I have to or else I'd go mad...

When I think of how I felt that summer I was 15...I laugh at my younger self. How silly...to think moving would break me. I want to tell my fifteen year old self, "Just wait, ten years from now you will watch your child struggle to hold onto his very life...shut up and move. You're fine." At the same time...for me, then, it was the hardest thing I've done. I needed to go through that to know how to process my emotions. Do you know what I did then, to help myself cope? I wrote, painted, and colored. 

Do you know what I am doing now, to help myself cope? I am writing, painting, and coloring. (Seriously...I hand out coloring pages to his nurses all the time...they think I'm a genius and I let them think that...) 

My point is...life is hard. We go through things that we think we will never make it through. We struggle and cry and rage and have good days and bad days. We think our hearts will break and never be whole again. We think that we have nothing left to give. We think that we are at the end of our strength. 

But...we do make it through. We do survive. We do love again. We are made Whole. We do have more strength than we could ever imagine. 

On the worst days here, I repeat that verse to myself. Light. Momentary. 

The Glory that this little family will see at the end of this...all I can hope and pray is that we bring people closer to Christ. We share our struggles and joys and I share these thoughts and emotions. Don't miss what I'm saying. Don't miss Who is getting me through this. Don't miss Who is healing our son. 

This is hard. As of right now, it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. 

So I can't help but be on the edge of my seat to see what God will ask of me next...

I can't help but wonder...will I ever think back on this time and think "Man, that was nothing compared to this!" 

Maybe. Maybe not. 

All I know is that I wasn't promised that it would ever be easy, only that He would walk with me through it. I take a lot of comfort in that. 

Messy

I've been thinking a lot about this Blog and what it's named. Been thinking about Art and Life and all that jazz.

The other day my amazing Husband picked me up some gesso from the store so I could re-paint a few things. As I was using it, little bits of paint splattered onto my hand, and then got wiped onto my sleeve. I was struck by the thought that I don't have a pair of paint pants right now...and I got sad.

Art can be so messy. I love when it is. I love when there are flecks of paint on my nails and on my clothes. I love the process of art. I love that you start with something and work until you create something new and unique that you like. It's a lot of fun.

So often when people look at a piece of art they see the finished piece. Something whole. Put together. They consider it beautiful. As they should, art is meant to be looked at and enjoyed.

When I look at pieces of artwork, I see the love and the process behind it. I wonder at the hours it took to make something, the work that went into it, the layers and layers of paint. I wonder if the artist thought about scrapping a project entirely and starting again. I wonder if they ever hated a piece only to have loads of people beg them to leave it alone.

Art is a messy, beautiful process.

Life is a messy, beautiful process.

God Art.

I wonder if He looks down at our lives and loves our messy beautiful selves. I wonder if He knows we are works in progress and cringes sometimes while He works on us.

It's a quickly going to be a new year.

I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm not looking forward to the fight my son will have. I'm not looking forward to leaving my girl while I go to have him. I'm not looking forward to it, I'm just not.

I'm looking forward to finding out how God will move. I'm looking forward to finding out how close Blair and I will come through this.

If I look at this past year as a canvas, as an art project, I would paint over parts and start again. I would paint over the loss of yet another baby we didn't get to know. I would paint over the days this summer where I could barely make it to the bathroom before getting sick. I would paint over the day that I went to have an ultrasound and they "found" something...when I was alone in my car, crying because I didn't understand and didn't know who to call or what to do.

Here's the deal though, just because you paint over something, doesn't mean it goes away. Those layers will always be there. It will always be part of that painting.

I'm marveling that despite my messes, despite the long process, I am still becoming God's Art. I am still a masterpiece. He loves me, right here, right now. Even on my worst days (and believe me, days when I have to call a friend to come change my girl because I literally can't stop throwing up...that's a worst day).

It's important to remember I think. That Art is Messy. That even God's Art gets messy.

That I am still a Mess.

But with every day, with every brush of the Savior's paint brush I become more and more beautiful.

The Cost

Blair and I were reading not long ago that when you blog you should do so with some sort of purpose. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what my purpose is for writing except that I like to and it helps me organize my thoughts. I also live under the impression that if you can help someone else in ANY way, well, you should. Especially when you're a Christ Follower. When did we become so tight lipped? Why is it so hard to want to share our lives to help one another?

Granted, at the moment, I'm all about Baby Girl. I'll be honest, it's been a journey, and I like to chronicle it here for you people/maybe a little for myself. We as a couple and individually have learned a lot. It's important for me to share, because for once, I didn't let the bad outweigh the fact that God is still working in my life. I'm learning things about the character of God that I'm not sure I understood before.

This weeks post centers around one song, ONE. We went to visit the Fairy Godmother this weekend, because I have been feeling AWESOME and wanted to see her. She got to feel her Lennie (NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO CALL HER THAT, HER NAME IS ELLIE OR ELEANOR)(for the record) kick, made us dinner, we watched stupid movies, and she had no idea that we were coming. We also got to see the Fairy Godfather. The whole hour long drive there, we just got to be together. Just got to live. Just got to chill out man. There was much talking and much singing. This song has been in my head all week.

"Real Love is not afraid to bleed."

Soak that line in for a second. It stuck with me and I started to think allllll sorts of thunks. 

See, I love God, I do. I love Jesus, I love the Bible, I mean, if you can't tell that by now, then you might have missed something. I am learning how to live in my life in a quietly bold way. One where I am able to say my opinions without being a jerk. Christians, we can have our beliefs, it does NOT mean we have to be rude or mean about it. I believe that Jesus, being God, took the form of man, came down, died for me. 

Died for me. Bled for me. Think about this. The cost for Jesus to LOVE me the way He wanted to, was to bleed for me. This song says "I've counted up the cost, and you are worth it." What is the cost?  Me. The cost of following Jesus is that I pursue Him, love Him, seek Him, get to know Him. I'm not selfish enough to think that this world is all about me. I forget it sometimes, but in reality, I know that in the end I want people to know WHO I loved, instead of just that I did. 

As my belly grows bigger and bigger, I think about what this baby costs us. Not money wise, but time wise, and life wise, and physically. In just a few short months I will prepare to work in such a way that I have never worked before. I will get tired, I will want to quit, I will want to stop, it will hurt, it will take all the strength I have, but in reality? It's not about me. 

What you might say? You being in labor is not about you? Are you crazy?

No. Labor is about bringing new life into this world. Therefore labor is about my child, not about me. I hope that what I'm saying makes sense. Because all the sudden, I understand Jesus just a little more. He knew the pain that awaited him, I know the pain that comes from childbirth. He knew that he would bleed, there is a fair amount of what people call "birth grossness" when it comes to labor. He knew that the cost of what He was doing was worth it. I know that the cost of having my daughter with us is all this HARD work that I will have to do. 

But I've counted up the cost, Eleanor Amanda Ray is worth it. And it must be real love that I feel for her, because I'm not afraid to bleed, I'm not afraid to spend hours waiting and working for her, I'm not afraid of whatever pain might come, because at the end, I get her. 

As I thought about this, I thought about my Jesus in those hours before the cross. You know, Easter is coming, and while we celebrate the fact that um, you know, He ain't dead, let's go back and read what He did. Read those chapters in John. Out loud. Let yourself cry because of the pain and blood loss. Remember that He did it for you, just because it's real love, just because He loves you. Remember that all He wants is a better life for you, all He wants is your Heart, and man, once you've tasted that Love, it's hard to want anything more. 

Then call your Momma, if you can. Say thanks for bleeding for you, working for you, for bringing you here. Tell her thanks for thinking you were worth it. And if you can't thank her, or you don't speak to her, thank God. The fact that you are alive means that someone really truly loved you. No matter where you are now.  

Three Weeks?! Holy Moly!

So my younger brother keeps telling me "Three Weeks Maddie, three weeks." I'd much rather say 25 days, it makes me feel like I have more time to get things done. And while I have most things done, and it's exciting, and I'm excited, there is still much to get done, as you can see from this list I made yesterday morning.

And in case you don't notice, I have crossed off a lot of things (and used a lot of different colors!). I'm slowly but surely getting things done, and it's truly an amazing thing. I even gathered a bag full of things to send to the woman who is arranging my fake flowers for all my bridesmaids. She needs those pins and that raffia for the boutineers and corsages!

I'm making head way. And feeling more and more the crunch of time to get things done. There are a few things that I've had done for months, like the head bands that I plan on giving my bridesmaids, flower girls, and my Beloved's younger sisters.

I love that those were done, when my Big Sisters surprised me at my Wedding Shower, I got to put my little niece Ada Bug in her head band. She loved it. She's very excited to be a flower girl, and I must say, I'm excited to have her in it. For the rest of her life I can show her pictures and say, "See, see how cure you were in Aunt Maddie Poo's wedding?" She might hate me for it, but it's still gonna happen.

Today was dedicated to painting my Sign In tree. Instead of going with the traditional book, I decided to make a tree, where people can put their thumb prints at and make leaves for our tree. If I can opt for artwork to make for my future house you'd better believe that I'm doing it! I did this tree once already, and hated it so much that I decided to do it again. This time, I started with the words I knew I wanted on it, and then worked around it. 

I've never been very good with calligraphy (shocking, I know) but I decided to give it a whirl for this project, and even though it took me almost an HOUR to just paint words, I powered through. And in the end, the Sign In Tree looks awesome, and I can't wait for people to add their thumbprints to fill our tree.

As I've been going through this wedding planning process, I've been trying to blog/write about it. Mainly because everyone keeps telling me that you don't really remember everything about your wedding, all the small details. My mom wants me to write about it more than I already do! (Don't tell her, but as much as I love her, she's more Bridezilla than me...and I decided that that's a good thing, because then, I get things done!) But here I have this wonderful blog to look back on read about the wedding planning (and a few things that happened in between) and how much I kinda really enjoyed it. My wedding is very much a reflection of who I am, and hopefully who my Beloved is. (Men really just don't care I'm finding out) I want people to feel the love that we have for one another, for our Lord, and for our families.

And really, this is the most amazing God Art of it all, that we can know love, that we can share love, that He loves us.

"So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three;
but the greatest of these is love."

-1 Corinthians 13:13

30 Days!

It is exactly 30 days until my wedding. And I am so stupidly excited that I can't even begin to tell you how happy my heart is...but...I'm starting to feel the sting of separation. I've been reading the Bible (well, ok that's weird to say, because I always do...but...lately this has been on my heart...) and I've started to read the Proverbs. This book of the Bible has so much to say about Wisdom, how to use it, where to use it, who to gain wisdom from. Much of it goes back to parents.

When I read the above passage all I could think was that the garlands for my head and the pendants for my neck must be heavy and beautiful, because my parents tried to give me so much wisdom and advice and sound judgment that this must be true for me.

As I try to transition from daughter to wife, I find myself having trouble sometimes. I don't always like people, I get jealous (especially of my Beloved's time) and I am still ruled by emotions at least once a month. But I do try to remember all the things that my mother and father have taught me. Because they are the best people I think I will ever know, and they have given me so much information. And you know? Even though I'll be down the road, I'm gonna miss them a whole bunch.

I keep studying the Word though, to see what info it can give me, to take into my heart all the wisdom that the Lord could have to offer me. Because as we all know, those who walk with the wise becomes wise. :)

Also, this is just a side note, but I love coffee, and I think that whenever you open your bible, you should have coffee. No morning is complete without it.

Other side not, I really am getting married in 30 days! 30 DAYS! :) To THIS guy,

Isn't he handsome? ;)