It's All Good

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about a lot of things that I've seen or read in the great wide internets. I've gathered ideas from people, from their blogs, from posts of Facebook, from articles, and from my own writings and ramblings. I had a moment of clarity today in Church where I realized what it all really boils down too.

Are you ready?

Here's what it comes down to: God made all these different people physically, but He also made all these different personalities, and you know what? I like who I am. 

Let's delve deeper into this thought process, hopefully it makes sense. :)

See, I'm an emotional person. When I get worked up about something, I cry or get really loud about it. When I hurt, I don't hide it, and when I think something, most of the time I share it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, people don't have to guess where they stand with me, they normally know. I don't spend a lot of time around people who get under my skin, and I try to share my opinions in a well mannered way (sometimes, this doesn't work, I never said I'm perfect, I'm still letting God work in me). I am very vulnerable, I tend to share things that have happened to me openly and honestly.

I was thinking about a time at camp when I turned 21. That was the Summer of Project Six. My best friend (who was later in my wedding) gave me a box of 21 things, all in increments of six (six ping-pong balls, six coloring pages, six fly swatters, stuff like that...). As I opened that box in front of my fellow staff members, I openly and honestly wept, and then proceeded to bare my heart to them. Told them what "six" meant to me, and how I'd been working on some things that God really needed to address in my life. It was a big deal, and some people don't handle vulnerability so well. I don't mind. In fact, thinking about that time makes me smile, it was beautiful. It was healing for me.

I like to post stupid Facebook statuses. I like to tell stupid stories about things that we, or I, do. I don't mind telling people when a bad day is a bad day. I like to tell them when a good day is a good day. One Mother's Day I sat at a restaurant and cried because I was asking my parents to forgive me for years of acting out and being a poop to them. My Mom said, "Maddie, it's ok, if you're crying, we know it's important to you." I love that she told me that.

I was sitting in Church thinking about these experiences and I just smiled because, you know, God made all these personalities. How much fun does he have doing this?! I read a blog post from another "camp" friend who was talking about her two children, and how different they are and how beautiful it is,and I just thought, she's right. All these people, all these different ways of handling things. Where I am loud and outspoken, my husband is quieter and more analytically, and it's all so beautiful. Two of my best friends have the same mental problems and didn't get along for a long time, and finally a certain little girl brought them together, and it's beautiful. So alike and so different. All these things, all these people!

Why do we act like personalities are diseases? Shouldn't we embrace and rejoice in what God has created? There are people who don't get me, and there are people that I don't get. And that's ok. There are people who think that I should keep my emotions in check and not share so openly about things, and there are people who I wish would share more who don't, and that's all ok. We are different, beautifully and wonderfully different and I hope and pray that my daughter knows this one day.

She's being created, right now, right in my womb, becoming a person with eyes and teeth and hands and organs. And I just thought...she's also becoming her own person. Will she be emotional and explosive like me, her Momma (Oh Lord help us all!) or will she be quiet and analytic like her Daddy? Will she have his focus and mood problems? Will she wear her heart on her sleeve? Can I protect her if she does? See, we don't know. But God does.

God knows. 

It was such a neat thought to know that He knows her personality. That He knows my personality, that He delights in all of our personalities. We are all so fearfully and wonderfully made.

I just decided today that I will never run from this person that I have become. I will never stop telling you when a bad day is bad (And when it is, man, I just feel like my world is ending...) or when a day is good (and when it is man, I just feel like I'm on cloud nine...). I will always want to tell people goofy stories about Blair and I, and eventually Ellie, and eventually and Lord Willing, the other children He blesses us with. I hope and pray that I can learn to take delight in all these personalities, just like my Heavenly Father.

You know, there are seven kids in my family, and none of us are the same. We are all so brilliantly different, our spouses are so amazingly different, and my nieces and nephew are all so wonderfully different. Sure, some of share the same characteristics (my big brother Nate and I could be twins...and Josh and Evie are two peas in a pod..) but it's so wonderful. I'm thinking it would have been pretty boring for us if we were all alike. Not to mention my parents would have been bored out of their mind, we certainly made life interesting for them. Especially me and Josh...we used to fight a lot. :)

But the point is I like myself. I like who God has made me.

And I like that God made all these different people. I wish that we could all just see that in one another, and celebrate it. We aren't all alike. We don't think alike. And it's ok.

Really, truthfully, it's all good. :)

Beware the Ides of March

I don't think any person ever intentionally gets sad about something. If you do, that's silly. I'm not sure there is any person who sits down and says to themselves, "Tonight, _________ will make me sad."

So when I say that tonight, I just got a little sad, know that it was not intentional. But I need to write about it. I need to make this make sense, and I just don't mind.

I was looking in my calender that I keep now like an adult, writing things down in the month of February. February is not what made me sad though. It was March that did it.

Oh March. It was these two dates that got to me man...

It might seem silly to other people, it might not make sense, and I'm sure there are people who would tell me to move on and get over it and be thankful for the little girl who is growing now. But the thing is, I'm still not over it. I still think about the fact that if I were pregnant with our first baby I would be HUGE now, I would be nearing the end, I would be preparing for the work that is labor and delivery. We'd have a nursery set up in our apartment, we would have had a baby shower, Blair would be freaking out a little.

I'm very thankful for Ellie. That I have carried her long enough to feel her move, to see her profile, to hear her heartbeat, to need new clothes. I love her very much. She was not what you would call a "planned" baby, or whatever that means (I mean, honestly, can you really "plan" to be a mother? To carry a baby? To conceive? I mean....really...)(well ok, we didn't plan her, God knows exactly what He was doing, you know, like normal) so finding out I was pregnant so soon was a little rough for me. Getting so sick didn't help. Honestly, I haven't felt "connected" to my growing baby except for the past month or so.

I guess seeing those dates, knowing what could have been, it just made me pause a moment. It's the same as seeing the first year anniversary of someone's death, you get a little sad. It affects you. This just affected me.

I don't know if we/I ever shared this here, but we named that first baby. For what ever reason, we both felt that baby was a girl, and we came across the name Cara. It means Beloved in Latin (or so the internets tell me) and that's what she was and is, to both of us.

Because no matter how small a life is, or how long a life is, it's important and it matters.

And Cara?

She mattered.

The End Of The Week

So what started as a pretty poopy week ended up being pretty good. Ok it was more than good, it's been nice.

After this Monday and my one day of feeling pretty awful, things have been better. It was just a really bad day for me. Some days are. I don't feel the need to try to hide those days or act like they aren't happening. I would like to think that I can see the end, and don't sound TOO fussy, but still.

Best thing about this week is that Daddy got to feel our Ellie girl! I've been waiting for this ever since I've started to feel her move. I was so excited! And the look on his face...my goodness gracious. It was...it is one of the memories that I will hold onto.

I can't deny how hard things have been. I get really excited about how well I'm doing, so it makes those bad days even harder. I think to myself "I was better, I'm all better, I can do better now." It makes me sad. Those days like that. So when good things happen, I grab onto them with both fists and hold on with all my might.

I was determined that no one would be able to feel her until her Daddy felt her. His face lit up, he giggled like a little boy, and it was just beautiful. I would be lying if I told you I didn't cry. I did. We've...we've both had such a hard time with this pregnancy. To feel this little life inside of me move and wiggle and grow makes all the more real and all the more exciting. We love our girl. We love her so much. Fiercely and wonderfully and we are so thankful for this gift. I can't get over the fact that I am STILL pregnant. I am STILL carrying this life. I am STILL preparing to raise a little girl to love Jesus, love her family, love her friends, and love this beautiful life that she has been given. I can't help, even on my worst days, think how lucky I am, because there are still woman who are not afforded this blessing.

There was loads of snow here too, where we are. It's the kind of snow I like because people don't make fun of me for being a chicken, because NO ONE can go anywhere either. I kinda helped shovel snow. It was fun! Blair didn't let me do much, and a neighbor made fun of me when I told him that I was wearing four pairs of pants. When I told him that I was almost six months pregnant he laughed and said "Oh fine then." I sat in the snow and made a snow baby. We tried to get a picture but my card wasn't in my camera, so we had to try again. In between getting the card, I killed the snow baby. :) Let's hope we don't do that for real when Ellie makes an appearance.

After I smashed Snow Baby. 

It's been nice to get to spend so much time with my Husband. We really do enjoy one another's company, and getting to spend the day with him was awesome. We had plans to decorate more baby onsies (pictures will come eventually, I had a lot of fun with them!) but that didn't happen. However, I will share this adorable picture of my husband and I.

And these pictures of things I have crafted for the smallish human that I have cooking.

I also got to see my mother in law and little sister in laws yesterday, they also are planning Owl crafts for our Ellie girl, which I'm pretty excited about. It was so cute to sit with them and plan and talk and pick out colors for the different owls (there is going to be more than one you know!). It was also fun to talk with my mother in law, because at the end of April we are moving in with them. It's a big step for them and us, and we could use the prayers as we all adjust. But it will be nice to be around family who loves and supports us, as well as having the opportunity to save lots of dollars.

I've also been shopping with my Mommy/Doula! We get really excited over baby clothes, it's a problem. We're trying to figure out which stroller/car seat system I like the best, and I have to admit to being a little picky about it. She's also coming to our next Midwife appointment to hear Ellie's heartbeat! I'm super excited about that for Grammy/because she's my Mommy/she's also my Doula. We also started birthing classes which I'm super excited about (this weeks class was cancelled because of Stormageddon!) and Mommy is coming to that class too after our appointment!

See, for as many bad days I have (and as bad as bad gets) I have more good days, and the bigger my belly grows, the more excited I get!

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and we're not gonna do much (that I know of........>.>) because we normally don't. Our first V Day together, he had strep, so we ate Burger King and watched Tangled. Last year was so crazy with Wedding planning (almost at a year!!!!) but he made me a lovely dinner and got me Daisy's. This year, I would be content with snuggles and soda. Why soda? Because it makes Ellie Girl super hyper, and we can both lay in bed and feel her. :)

'Cause You Had A Bad Day...

I think it's fair to explain to you all that some days, some days I just don't do well.

It's easy to think, when you see me on a good day, oh she's just fine. It's no big deal. I guess I have what you could call a "chronic illness" and I used to not understand that, but now, oh gracious, I do.

I get that you will have a series of good days, and that you will be able to go and do and accomplish. I realize that those days are what you live and yearn and long for. I get it now.

So I understand what bad days are really like now.

It's not graceful, it's not fun, it's not ok. It's annoying, frustrating, and so incredibly discouraging. You start to think, it's getting better, I'm getting better. Then you wake up at three thirty and throw up bile with flecks of blood. Then you do it again at four thirty. Then again at seven. At that point, you start to think, "Why do I even look forward to the good days? The bad days are just to bad..."

Today I feel pessimistic, frustrated, and I didn't make it far from my bed. My stomach has hurt continually, yes, after trying to eat, which was hard work, and I'm just...tired. I don't feel vibrant and excited. I don't feel any glow.

These are the days when I want to go to sleep and stay asleep until labor in June.

This is the work, the hard part for me. The pregnancy part.

Some days are just bad days.

Service, Pride, Humility

I had a series of conversations today that made me want to write. I was actually writing this blog post on my way to work this morning, because, well, I'm a goofball, and despite what people think, I do like to think about what I'm going to say before I say it. At least, I think to myself "Hmm, maybe this could help someone else." See, in my Maddie brain, if it helps someone else, it's worth saying.

I am not quite sure where to start though. Really, everything that I thought about comes down to about three words; service, pride, humility. They all tie in together, even if you don't know that. I've had experience with each and every one of these these three things. I promise that I will try to make this make sense.

Service. As a definition this means "the act of helping or doing work for someone else". Synonyms are "a helping hand, favor, kindness, good turn." What I don't think they tell you though is that in serving someone else means you put that person above you. You make yourself less than that person, because you make that person more than you.

The kicker here is that I love to serve. I loved serving at camp, I loved serving at Missions Trips, I loved serving at Kids Camps, and at work. I love to help other people. Why? Why not? Something so simple can put such a big smile on someone else's face. Take a weight of their shoulders. Here lately though, I'm realizing that something can hold us back from allowing others to learn this lesson of service.

Pride. Definition in the form of a verb is "to be especially proud of a particular quality or skill." For example, I'm proud that I can cook dinner for my working husband, or I take pride in at least keeping my house looking semi-nice. However, pride can hold us back from saying, you know, I really do actually need help.

I think that sometimes, we allow Pride to tell us that in allowing someone else to Serve us means we are weak. Means we are not strong enough to do it by ourselves. You know what I'm really learning? Really?

I can not do diddly squat on my own. Nada. Nothing. Zero. 

I need my husbands help, my parents help, my churches help, my friends help, my Heavenly Fathers help, a stranger at Wal-Marts help when I can't get a cart to unhook. I need help. You need help.

Know what this is?

Humility. To be Humble. To define, "a modest or low view of ones own importance." Let me add to this. I don't think Humility means you say you do something badly, or that you can't take a compliment when you use the gifts and abilities our Creator has given you. It doesn't mean "No I never do anything well". It means that you know that sometimes your Pride keeps you from asking for Help. Or that your pride keeps you from allowing others to serve you, from allowing others to be the Hands and Feet of Jesus.

See this week got crazy. We got bills upon bills upon bills. Couple that with the fact that we've had bad weather and I don't work as much and we had a series of unforeseen things happen, it makes for stress. In my defense, I would like to say that I did very well and only cried about it ONCE! If you know me, this is a big deal. It's hard. When you see a sum of money that you owe for something you NEEDED, knowing that you just don't know how to pay it.

Do you want to know what song I've been thinking about this week, honestly? This song.

That's right, I just hit you with some Veggie Tales! I hope it made you smile. It makes me smile.

See, when we're little, things that go bump in the night make us scared. Now I'm an adult. I don't get so scared at night, not about that stuff, the Boogie Man is just a big snot monster, and snot don't scare me.

But there are other monsters. There are monsters of Fear, and Doubt, and Pride. Those monsters, those are real. Those are the monsters that I get scared of. The monsters of Debt, and Bills that are so big, that you just don't see how. I've prayed a lot this week. Ask God to remind me that it's ok to not know. That I don't have to fear this unknown.

I've asked God to help me swallow my Pride, which I have decided taste like rotten salad, and to help my very core be Humble, and to keep allowing others to Serve me. What's more important is that I've asked for help not to be ashamed that I have to ask for help. We shouldn't be ashamed to allow our Brothers and Sisters to be the hands and feet of Christ.

This is a season of my life, that is just continuing to go on and on. Some days I do remarkably well, and I'm able to forget that I'm sick. Some days...some days are just not ok, still. But my God is bigger than the Boogie Man of Shame, Bills, Doubt, Fear. My God is bigger. My God is Bigger. 

Somehow, He timed things perfectly. If I hadn't lost our precious baby in July, I wouldn't know how precious this little one is. I hold onto that with fists clenched tight. No matter how messy my house gets, no matter how many bills we have, no matter how dirty my kitchen gets. I hold onto the fact that our daughter, is growing. She's so big now I can't lay on my back comfortably. If, in the meantime, I have to ask for more help, so be it. I'm just learning to be Humble, to get rid of that Pride, and allow others to Serve.

Oh and I pray and I know that one day, one day, He will give me the chance to give back to someone else.

PUSH: The Labor Playlist

You know what I'm most excited about with this pregnancy?

Labor. That's what. I'm so stupidly excited to be in labor. I can't truly explain it, and I won't try to hard, because there are plenty of people who are probably like "You have no idea, you'll hate it." No. I won't. And most woman, if they're honest, won't and don't either. Why? Because you have a tiny little baby that you carried around with you for 40ish weeks and you finally get to meet them.

Maybe I just grew up weird, with a Mommy who talked about Birth and Labor and nursed (gasp!) in front of her older children. Maybe it's because when I was really small, maybe 7 or 8, I found her Bradley Birthing Method book and looked through. Have you ever seen that book? 1, It's a wonderful book and incredibly useful for a laboring mom and her partner, 2, there are some awesome pictures of laboring women in it. I wasn't scared though, to me, it seemed perfectly natural. I saw the looks on the women's faces too, I could see that they were working HARD, but it never occurred to me that they were in pain, or hated what they had to go through. It never occurred to me that a 7/8 year old should or shouldn't be looking at pictures of women pushing babies out of their vagina's. Although for the longest time, I really did think we pooped babies out and got worried when I went number two. For real. That happened in my little kid brain. :)

Maybe it's because since becoming an adult, I've seen one of my best friends in labor three times. No joke. I was there. It was real life. Or maybe I'm not scared of home birth because I got to witness another amazing friend bring her son into the world, at home. I've seen it all and felt some of it. I got hold my friends belly while her taunt tummy contracted around her daughter. I've cried each time I've seen these things. To see the strength there, the beauty...why is our culture so afraid of birth? Why don't we support one another's choices to birth where and how we want?

See, I don't like being told what to do. When I'm in pain, or working hard, I normally put on head phones, turn on some music and retreat to a very primal place where I work hard and get a job done. I've done it with yard work, with painting, with cleaning, with loads of things. I also know when I need people to look me in the eyes and tell me "Yes, you can do this." Therein lies the Husband's job.

I have more dreams about the labor that I look forward to than giving birth to kittens or whatever else people say you dream about. I have dreams about squatting next to our bed, holding my husbands hands, looking him in the eyes, and pushing. I tell myself, even now, you know, you can DO this. 

I'm not afraid. Oh but please don't think I don't have a healthy respect for labor and birth! Hence the reason I have a Midwife, hence the reason I have my mother who is also my Doula, because those woman, they know more than me medically wise. I have my primal instincts, but there are things I don't know, that they do. While I am not afraid, I have a healthy respect for what is unknown to me.

I  was thinking about all this today because I have to be excited about something, I just find it amusing that I'm most excited about the part that most women are afraid of, or don't look forward too. I'm a little weird.
I was also thinking about all this, because I made a playlist for myself called Push, and I wanted to share it. These are songs, for whatever reason, that I want to listen to while I'm working like I'll have to. Some of them are funny, some of them are serious, some remind me how I am fearfully and wonderfully made, some remind me of my husband. I have my reasons. I'm sure I'll add more as time goes by, but it's just fun to share. :)

• Falling into You, our wedding song, Maw
• Be Born, Tally Hall
• Summertime, Mae
• We Are Gonna Be Friends, The White Strips
• Eye of the Tiger, Survivor
• Psalm 126 (You Have Done Great Things), Chris Tomlin/David Crowder, Passion
• Viva La Vida, Coldplay (a feel good song for me.)
• Easy Silence, Dixie Chicks
• Crags and Clay, Gungor
• Lullaby, Dixie Chicks
• Crazy, Gnarles Barkley 
• Waiting for This, Hanson (I found this amusing)
• Sort Of, Ingrid Michealson 
• God Will Lift Up Your Head, Jars Of Clay
• Blessing in the Storm, Kirk Franklin
• The Circle Of Life, Lion King (Hey man, it's true! I'm giving birth! It makes sense!)
• Doxology, Micheal Gungor (I need some Camp in there for strength)
• I Will Wait, Mumford and Sons
• Looks Like Love, Needtobreathe
• Not With Haste, Mumford and Sons
• Fireflies, Owl City
• I Miss You, Blink 182 (Long story, but I want it there!)
• Man, I Feel Like A Woman, Shania Twain (you can't get much more womanly than birth yo!)
• Such Great Heights, The Postal Service 
• Us, Regina Spektor
• For the Moments I Feel Faint, Relient K
• Must Have Done Something Right, Relient K
• Captivated, Shawn McDonald
• I Celebrate the Day, Relient K (I know it's a "Christmas" song, but the lyrics are so good, and it would be a day to celebrate, no?)
• The Light, Sara Bareilles

It's all so exciting. And hey, we're almost there! Crazy to think that we're pretty much kinda half through our pregnancy waiting to meet our little girl. 

You know, despite everything, God is Good. 

Difference Between What I Deserve and What I Am Blessed With

Alright people, after much consideration and coercion from a friend, I decided all the sudden I look pregnant. It's gotten so weird. In the past week it feels like a toaster, she just popped out! Here we are at 19, almost 20 weeks and I all the sudden feel pregnant. It's a real thing, don't judge. I DO want to take a FEW pictures so that when Ellie tries to convince us she was adopted, I can be like, "Um, no child, no. I was very much pregnant with you. Let me tell you stories!"

Here lately I had been feeling better. I got a lot done this week and was excited about how good I felt. Today however, there was a set back, which I have to admit, made me upset. I forget that sometimes, I don't have the answers, and no, I don't have this figured out. Bad days are just that. Bad days. Not months, and I have to and am trying to accept that.

I've been thinking a lot about the people who are so excited for us. People I haven't seen or talked to in years have suddenly found me and expressed how excited they are for us. I've gotten so many packages, and I'm so thankful. Truthfully, it helps. I have to keep reminding myself that she is real, and she is down there, and growing, and there is an end in sight. There is a baby, she is ours for a while, and we get to love her, for however long that might be.

One thing though that people keep saying to me that keeps ringing around in my ears though is this phrase, "No one deserves a baby more than you Maddie." Or "You and Blair deserve to have a baby." I know what they mean, and I accept what they are saying, but I'll be honest, I don't agree.

I don't think any one person deserves a child, or a baby. I think they're blessings. No matter how long you have them for, we all know how I feel about that. :) But let me make this clear, if we're talking about things I deserve, guarding and bringing a life into this world is not one of them. I'm unworthy of this honor, to be a Mother, to make a life with my Husband, to be pregnant at all. Why, you might ask. Well, I'm a terrible human. No no, you don't understand, I really am. Ask my younger siblings, they'll tell you JUST how mean I am. Ask my Husband, he can tell you my short comings (he won't, because he loves me, but he could!). Ask my own parents, ask the countless friends that I've let down.

I feel that I have been granted this incredible honor to be pregnant. It reminds me a lot of my Faith, and my Savior and the way He saved us. You don't have to agree, that's fine. I'm not pushing this on y'all people. I'm just saying, I have done nothing to deserve His love, grace, forgiveness, mercy, compassion. Nothing. And that's how I feel about this little girl who seems to enjoy sitting right on my bladder. 

I've done nothing worthwhile to deserve her. I've done nothing that makes me into a great or good person, as most, I'm mediocre. I really am. I'm so mean. And I can be, believe it or not, VERY pessimistic. Yet here I am, almost half way done with my pregnancy, supporting this tiny (but getting BIGGER) life that grows and grows.

Oh man it blows my mind some days. Even on days like to day where I did get sick again and couldn't move a lot, it was ok. You know why? I'm starting to feel her move. She kicked me. Little snot that she is, she kicked me. I was laying next to my husband who works 40 hours to support us, holding his hand and I just tightened my grip. He looked over and said, "What is it?" I just smiled and smiled. I can feel her now. So long as she's not punching my bladder, me and her can have fun with this.

Certain things in this world we don't ever deserve. No one person deserves a baby over someone else. I'm not more deserving than anyone else. I can think of so many people I would rather see pregnant right now than myself, I'll be honest. I can think of fellow moms who've longed for babies longer than me, who went through things I couldn't imagine, who deserve a baby more than I do. I can think of friends who have longed in their hearts, to have babies and for whatever reason they had to wait, who deserve a baby more than I do. I can think of people who deserve babies and they don't even know it!

So no, no I don't deserve our Ellie. I don't. Neither does my husband. But oh, oh oh oh, we are blessed with her. Every day she lives we are blessed with her. And that right there, no matter how I feel, is what I cling to.

Just like I have to cling to the cross when I don't feel I deserve His love. Because no, I don't deserve His love, but oh, oh oh oh, I am blessed with it.