Beware the Ides of March

I don't think any person ever intentionally gets sad about something. If you do, that's silly. I'm not sure there is any person who sits down and says to themselves, "Tonight, _________ will make me sad."

So when I say that tonight, I just got a little sad, know that it was not intentional. But I need to write about it. I need to make this make sense, and I just don't mind.

I was looking in my calender that I keep now like an adult, writing things down in the month of February. February is not what made me sad though. It was March that did it.

Oh March. It was these two dates that got to me man...

It might seem silly to other people, it might not make sense, and I'm sure there are people who would tell me to move on and get over it and be thankful for the little girl who is growing now. But the thing is, I'm still not over it. I still think about the fact that if I were pregnant with our first baby I would be HUGE now, I would be nearing the end, I would be preparing for the work that is labor and delivery. We'd have a nursery set up in our apartment, we would have had a baby shower, Blair would be freaking out a little.

I'm very thankful for Ellie. That I have carried her long enough to feel her move, to see her profile, to hear her heartbeat, to need new clothes. I love her very much. She was not what you would call a "planned" baby, or whatever that means (I mean, honestly, can you really "plan" to be a mother? To carry a baby? To conceive? I mean....really...)(well ok, we didn't plan her, God knows exactly what He was doing, you know, like normal) so finding out I was pregnant so soon was a little rough for me. Getting so sick didn't help. Honestly, I haven't felt "connected" to my growing baby except for the past month or so.

I guess seeing those dates, knowing what could have been, it just made me pause a moment. It's the same as seeing the first year anniversary of someone's death, you get a little sad. It affects you. This just affected me.

I don't know if we/I ever shared this here, but we named that first baby. For what ever reason, we both felt that baby was a girl, and we came across the name Cara. It means Beloved in Latin (or so the internets tell me) and that's what she was and is, to both of us.

Because no matter how small a life is, or how long a life is, it's important and it matters.

And Cara?

She mattered.