Full

There are all these little things that are happening that just make me smile. Conversations that I've had, people who've stopped to see me, encouragement right at the right time.

I think about how my husband and I realized how incredibly selfish we are with and for one another. If we have spare time, we want to be where the other is. Three times Blair has come by the Library just to see/be near me. He showed up today and confused the heck out of me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I wanted to give you a kiss." He said. And then he did.

Our schedules have gotten much busier than we are used to. I work more now that I have been in MONTHS and I LOVE it. It just means that we don't get to spend our afternoons together the way we used to. It's all worth it though, because I love what I'm doing now. He sees this, knows it, and embraces it.

Today I saw a friend I haven't seen in a LONG time. She said "I love seeing how much you love Blair and Ellie." First of all, I love that she called them both by name, and second of all, I love that my actions speak that loudly. I want people to know who I love. I want people to know about my Faith and about these two people who mean so much to me. They are gifts, shouldn't we treasure our gifts? I've been thinking all day about that conversation. It kept me smiling.

Tonight my little brother took me to get frozen yogurt for cutting his hair. He looked at me and said "You're not the same Maddie as last year." All these things in just one day, my heart feels full.

We are officially in the third trimester. Ellie Girl feels huge, shoot, I feel huge. It freaks me out a little that she's not done growing and that I'm going to get even bigger. I can't imagine that it's true. I still get sick in the mornings, but I'm so tired of talking about throwing up, that I just ignore it when it happens. I've gotten to this divine acceptance that THIS is what pregnant looks like for me. I have two choices, complain, or accept it. While some days it's hard to accept, still, most days, I just take care of business and carry on. I like it better that way. Having two or three nose bleeds in a week tends to make me a little (read, a lot) fussy, but I'm really really trying to control that attitude. I know there are plenty of women who would love to have what I have sickness wise if it only meant that they were pregnant.

All the sudden I've got this voracious appetite. I want all the foods all the time, expect first thing in the morning. By ten though, man...it's like a food monster lives in me. At night, I feel like I get so hungry I could eat and eat and eat. I'm trying to remember all the things that are super good for us though. I may not have been able to eat well the first two trimesters, but hopefully I can now.

I've also been treated to a pedicure and a steak dinner in the last week. It amazes me the amount of wonderful people that surround us. I told Blair that we've got to start getting out more, if only because truly, people miss us. It goes back to that being selfish with one another. We're entirely too content laying next to eat other in bed reading or talking about books. However, I know that there might be a time when we really won't have all this time for one another, so be patient with us as we try to make the most of it now.

My heart feels full today. Almost like I was empty and needed some words of love without even knowing it. It's amazing to me how God works things together to fill us, even when we don't know we were running on empty.

Battling Irrationality

I am not to much of a coward to admit that I get scared.

I think that cowardly people are the ones that don't admit when they are scared. I think that by admitting you are scared you take power away from what it is that is making you scared, and you allow others into your mind where they can calm those fears.

I grew up around childbirth. I went to school and would come home to a baby. I looked through the Bradley Birthing Method book at a young age. When I was 19, I saw my best friend push out my God Daughter, since then, I've seen four other births. It's something that I've talked about, read about it, know about, am educated about.

However, I have never given birth myself. Not to a full term baby. So no, I don't know what contractions feel like, I don't know what it feels like to need to push, I don't know what it's like to get to a point in labor where you just think, "What the hell am I doing?" And yes, just like that. The sensations will be all new to me, something different that I've never experienced.

And I am not to much of a coward to not admit that the thought of giving birth at the end of June/maybe July, kinda scares me a little. I mean, ok, maybe I need to rephrase how I'm wording this. I just have an incredibly high respect for it, sometimes, though, that respect borders on irrational fears.

I am not scared of what my body can do. I am not scared of what God has created me to do. I am not scared of the pain, it is temporary, fleeting, and worth it to hold my daughter.

I am scared of what I don't know. I am scared of all the "what-ifs" and basically, the things that are out of my own control.

Here is how I am battling these fears: talking, listening, praying, trusting in those who know more than me. Trusting that my midwife has all the knowledge she needs to help me bring my daughter into this world. Trusting that my husband will be by my side, eager to help (where he can), knowing that he will encourage me. Talking about these fears with my Husband, asking him to listen to me, however much invalid or unlikely they are. Listening to those who have done this before, who tell me that it really truly is all worth, regardless of if your birth goes how you planned it or not. Praying that no matter what does happen, God is glorified through this experience, and that His ultimate goal for us is achieved. To bring into this world a life we've been blessed with.

In the past year I've been around and experienced a lot of those unknowns. Tragic things, hard things that cut you to the core. I've seen grieving mothers, grieved myself, and grown so much because of it. I have a very clear idea, in my head, how I want things to go to bring Ellie Girl into this world. Certain things I do know, like I just want to be home surrounded by my Husband, Mother, Best Friend, and a midwife who lets me labor, and is there as my just in case. I want to trust that my body can handle this. I know that I can do it, and I know in the throes of labor I'm going to try to convince my Mommy, my Husband, and my Best Friend, that I can't do it, that I won't do it, that I don't want to do it any more. I know in my heart, that each person in their own way will tell me that I can, that I will, and that I have to.

I'm finding out that the people who surround you before your labor and during it matter so much. That if I didn't have my Husband and Mother and Best Friend and amazing Midwife, I'm not sure I would be given leave to trust the way that I want to.

My crazy hormonal pregnant mind day dreams a lot about what could happen, what might happen. Each time I start to panic slightly about what I can't control, I remember something. God is in control. He's in control now, and He will be in control then. Regardless of what happens, or doesn't happen, He is still there. Why do we all seem to think in these moments of desperation that He just isn't there? I'm guilty of it. But I don't want to be.

I imagine myself in my bedroom at four in the morning, hanging onto my husband, crying because I can't, and I pray in those moments that I hear that still small voice who says "You know, you're right, you can't, I can, because I Am." THIS is what I want to remember to stop these irrational fears. THIS is what I want to remember while surrounded by the people I have gathered to be my birth team. THIS is what I want to remember IF we have to transfer. THIS is what I want to remember IF she is breech and the little sucker doesn't turn. THIS is what I want to remember IF nothing goes like how I want it go.

That I serve I Am, and in those moments, I'm surrounded by His Love. 

By the way, I love love LOVE this picture.

Mental Health

I hope there is always room in my life for random trips to the beach with my best friends. I hope that I always remember that sometimes, you have to forget what's going on, and just go. I hope that I always remember Adventures, and Talks, and Walks, and Singing out loud in the car.

I feel refreshed and renewed this week, and it's all because of my weekend. I had two very good friends take the time to take the time for me.

See I've been waiting 40 weeks for a certain day to come around. While this may not seem so big to others it was big to me. I'm an emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I cry openly, and I get angry openly. If I am passionate about something, I'm open about it. So when, this Friday, I celebrated the "what could have been" I needed to have a few moments.

It didn't help that Blair was gone at Drill, again, during this time. I have two very beautiful people though, who instead of letting me be alone and sad, said "Hey, let's have an Adventure." Really what it turned out to be was a Mental Health Trip. I need those. We need those. You need those, even if you don't think that you do.

Basically, we got to go be. To just exist somewhere else, where no one knew our names, where no one knew why we were there.

I sat on the beach and felt small. I sat there and soaked in the sunshine because I'll be honest, the worst part of winter, for me, is that there is less sunshine. I love me some Vitamin D friends. So I took it, all that I could to store up for days like Sunday and Monday, when it snowed.

Grief in and of itself is such a hard thing. Doing it alone is even harder. Me? I have friends and family who rallied around me and made me feel so much less alone. These two? It's like they know that sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it. And sometimes I do. And sometimes it means nothing. And sometimes it means everything. Sometimes things are just so big and you can't handle it. Sometimes you need to run away to the Beach. 

See, I'm gonna have a little one (on the outside of me) soon. It won't be so easy to just drop it all and go. It won't be so easy to stop thinking. And even when I do manage to find someone to watch the little booger (I have plenty of people who would...ahem...Grammy and Grumpy) I know I would be a little sad the whole time being without her. I'm taking advantage of these last few months of being just a Maddie, because I am selfless enough to know that when she comes, it all changes.

The Cost

Blair and I were reading not long ago that when you blog you should do so with some sort of purpose. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what my purpose is for writing except that I like to and it helps me organize my thoughts. I also live under the impression that if you can help someone else in ANY way, well, you should. Especially when you're a Christ Follower. When did we become so tight lipped? Why is it so hard to want to share our lives to help one another?

Granted, at the moment, I'm all about Baby Girl. I'll be honest, it's been a journey, and I like to chronicle it here for you people/maybe a little for myself. We as a couple and individually have learned a lot. It's important for me to share, because for once, I didn't let the bad outweigh the fact that God is still working in my life. I'm learning things about the character of God that I'm not sure I understood before.

This weeks post centers around one song, ONE. We went to visit the Fairy Godmother this weekend, because I have been feeling AWESOME and wanted to see her. She got to feel her Lennie (NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO CALL HER THAT, HER NAME IS ELLIE OR ELEANOR)(for the record) kick, made us dinner, we watched stupid movies, and she had no idea that we were coming. We also got to see the Fairy Godfather. The whole hour long drive there, we just got to be together. Just got to live. Just got to chill out man. There was much talking and much singing. This song has been in my head all week.

"Real Love is not afraid to bleed."

Soak that line in for a second. It stuck with me and I started to think allllll sorts of thunks. 

See, I love God, I do. I love Jesus, I love the Bible, I mean, if you can't tell that by now, then you might have missed something. I am learning how to live in my life in a quietly bold way. One where I am able to say my opinions without being a jerk. Christians, we can have our beliefs, it does NOT mean we have to be rude or mean about it. I believe that Jesus, being God, took the form of man, came down, died for me. 

Died for me. Bled for me. Think about this. The cost for Jesus to LOVE me the way He wanted to, was to bleed for me. This song says "I've counted up the cost, and you are worth it." What is the cost?  Me. The cost of following Jesus is that I pursue Him, love Him, seek Him, get to know Him. I'm not selfish enough to think that this world is all about me. I forget it sometimes, but in reality, I know that in the end I want people to know WHO I loved, instead of just that I did. 

As my belly grows bigger and bigger, I think about what this baby costs us. Not money wise, but time wise, and life wise, and physically. In just a few short months I will prepare to work in such a way that I have never worked before. I will get tired, I will want to quit, I will want to stop, it will hurt, it will take all the strength I have, but in reality? It's not about me. 

What you might say? You being in labor is not about you? Are you crazy?

No. Labor is about bringing new life into this world. Therefore labor is about my child, not about me. I hope that what I'm saying makes sense. Because all the sudden, I understand Jesus just a little more. He knew the pain that awaited him, I know the pain that comes from childbirth. He knew that he would bleed, there is a fair amount of what people call "birth grossness" when it comes to labor. He knew that the cost of what He was doing was worth it. I know that the cost of having my daughter with us is all this HARD work that I will have to do. 

But I've counted up the cost, Eleanor Amanda Ray is worth it. And it must be real love that I feel for her, because I'm not afraid to bleed, I'm not afraid to spend hours waiting and working for her, I'm not afraid of whatever pain might come, because at the end, I get her. 

As I thought about this, I thought about my Jesus in those hours before the cross. You know, Easter is coming, and while we celebrate the fact that um, you know, He ain't dead, let's go back and read what He did. Read those chapters in John. Out loud. Let yourself cry because of the pain and blood loss. Remember that He did it for you, just because it's real love, just because He loves you. Remember that all He wants is a better life for you, all He wants is your Heart, and man, once you've tasted that Love, it's hard to want anything more. 

Then call your Momma, if you can. Say thanks for bleeding for you, working for you, for bringing you here. Tell her thanks for thinking you were worth it. And if you can't thank her, or you don't speak to her, thank God. The fact that you are alive means that someone really truly loved you. No matter where you are now.  

SCORE

You know, I'm pretty sure there comes a time in every young woman's newly married life where she thinks to herself "I married the very best man in the entire world". But, well, I really did. I mean, really. Blair is the best. In my head, he's better than you would ever know.

I mean, there are lots of reasons. There really are. I would like to title this post "Score". :)

• So as far as getting sick goes, it's gotten better. I've been really tired and there are still some things that trigger my stomach and make me vomit. One of these, is dishes. I don't know what it is, I think part of it is that our kitchen is so small and contained that if there are ANY food particles in the dishes it just makes me crazy. So SCORE one, Blair ALWAYS does the dishes for me. And if I look at him and say "They made me sick, if you do anything today, please do dishes." He does it. I feel bad sometimes, because he works hard and work has been iffy for me for a while. So on top of my husbands 40+ hours, he takes care of me. 
• SCORE two, we were talking about when Baby Ellie comes in June (possibly July) and I confessed something that I'm a little worried about. We like to sleep a lot. We go to bed early, Blair gets up early and we just really like the way we get to sleep a lot. So with a new baby...sleep kinda....well, it just doesn't happen. There is no set schedule. There is no bed time. There is no system. At least not a little while. When I told Blair that I was worried about this, this man...Oh this man, he says "Maddie, it's not a big deal. I'll stay home with you two as long as I can, and when I go back to work, we'll make it work. We'll nap when we can. If you have to wake up in the middle of the night with her, and you need me to be awake with you, tell me. If you don't, it's ok. Just don't tell me to go back to sleep and then wake me up because you found out you did need me. I'd rather just be awake with you."
  I'm not sure he knows how much that meant to me...
• SCORE three, he loves talking to Ellie. It's hysterical. We've gotten to that fun point where she moves and wriggles. I can tell you the exact times that she gets excited, and there are certain places that she gets excited about. The other day though, Blair put his face right down close to her and talked and she freaked out. Baby knows Daddy's voice. I consider that a huge SCORE.
• SCORE four, he massages my back. I got the best birth ball from a friend and I sit on that sucker like its my job. I had a moment yesterday when I got real nauseated and I knew I needed to take a medicine before things got out of hand. Sometimes, it's hard, because it tastes bad, and I have to be very careful when taking it. Blair sat in there with me and rubbed my back while I tried to swallow it down. Labor is gonna be a breeze with him there. 
• Now we come down to SCORE number Five, he let me order Chinese food last night. :) 

I'm part of these groups on the Facebook that talk about HG and how they deal with their sicknesses. Some of them talk about how they don't have super supportive husbands...and I don't know how they survive. Never once have I felt like Blair wasn't there for me, or that he doubted how I felt about my body. Never once has he made me feel bad for not being able to work as much, and never once did I doubt that he was excited about his daughter. Sometimes, now, he just looks at me and smiles. She's getting so very big and moving so so so much. Every little noise I make he wants to know why. 

It's just...we've learned a lot this pregnancy. We've learned a lot about each other, what we want, and don't want. I've learned a lot about myself and about how to let people love me. 

And Blair...man...someone give the man a cold beer. He's winning. 

This Comes Up A Lot...

We aren't even through one pregnancy and something keeps popping up, so I decided to just go ahead and set this to rest right now.

Here's what people seem to want to know: After getting so sick, will you and Blair have more kids?

Let's put this to rest right now: YES. 

We celebrated one year together yesterday on the 23, and it was hysterical. I got sick in the morning and he ended up in the bathroom with me putting a cool cloth on my head. THAT my friends, is what REAL love looks like. Everyone likes to ask Blair this question, and I get it a lot already too.

It's a fair question really, considering how sick I did get. It was really scary there for a few months. November and December and the beginning of January were not my favorite times. I can understand why people ask...though, I'm never sure why people are so interested in my or anyone else's uterus. Either people don't have enough and the uterus should be filled, or you have to many and should remain empty...everyone seems to have an opinion about it...no matter whose it is....but I digress...

After going through Hyperemesis, knowing there is a chance we (yes we, Blair and I go through this TOGETHER, it's not just me...) could we or do we want more babies?

Why in the world wouldn't we want more? We've both known we want the blessing of children, and after loosing our first, that thought solidified even more in our minds. Do I want to have babies back to back? No. Am I a little frightened on not living close to family who can help take care of us? Yes. Does this stop me trusting that God already knows what He's got in store for us? Heck no.

Even now our Ellie Girl is worth the wait, and worth the sickness. I look forward to seeing who she looks like, to be privileged enough to be her mother, to get to know her as a human, to talk to her about Jesus and how much she is loved by Him and by us. I look forward to poopy diapers, and nursing in the middle of night, I'm even excited for the first time I think "Oh crap, I can't do this" and I call my Mommy or best friends crying because she's crying and I don't know what to do. I look forward to tell people how big she is, what her name is, why she is named that, and I look forward to her being a big sister.

I understand that God has his plans, and if it's His plan that I only physically have her, that's enough, there are so many babies out there unloved who need families. We would be more than willing to have them, I know it. It makes me giggle a little that people think that because I got sick this time that I won't want more...silly people!

You know, the first time I tried sushi I didn't like it, but then I ate it some more and it was ok. I didn't like roller coasters at first and now I freaking love them. I had a bad experience once with friends who turned their backs, doesn't mean I love less now. There were a string of guys who hurt me deeply and badly, didn't stop me from finding and loving my husband.

This pregnancy has been hard and rough, but it will not stop me from loving our Daughter. And it will not stop me from Trusting that my Father in Heaven knows what He's doing, and if it means I get sick seven times with seven babies, then God help me through it. 

He doesn't just leave us when bad things happen. He equips us. He helps us. He sends us people. He has sent people to help me clean, to encourage me, and most importantly, He matched me up with a Man who when I puke, comes and sits with me in the bathroom. He has shown me great Love and great Mercy. And we got pregnant again, He would do it again. I would find out even MORE about this God who I love so so so much.

Being sick during a pregnancy doesn't stop God from being Holy. Of all things I've learned, through these past months, is that God is still God. It's not like He quits or something...

So yes, Blair and I, if the Lord allows, are still VERY willing to have more babies. Hyperemesis or no...:)

An Old Man, My Momma, and Pants.

Today was an interesting day. It didn't start off so well, but it ended up being pretty awesome.

I got sick yesterday and again this morning. I've been having a hard time convincing myself that bad days are just bad days, and that really, I will survive. I have a flair for the melodramatic so I get very "woe is me".

Yesterday, I made sure to get out of my bed. This is a big deal for me. When I feel that crummy, I don't want to move that much. I made it out to the mailbox, and when my Blair came home from work, I was on the couch not in our bed. I had a thought during the day "He would be so please, knowing I'm having a crummy day, if I was not in our bed." I was right. He was pleased. It was adorable.

This morning was one of those barely-make-it-to-the-bathroom type deals. So special. I'm laying bed thinking, Maybe today will be better, and my mouth fills with...well...it was very very special. I sat in our bathroom floor, cried for a second (throwing up usually makes that happen to me anyways) and then thought, How can today still be good? 

I'm tired of accepting defeat. I'm tired of having these days when I feel debilitated. So I got dressed. I picked up our bed room. I got a text from my Momma, asking me if I would like to go grocery shopping/baby carrier/stroller shopping with her. I went out on a limb and said yes, praising God the whole time that she was driving and I was not. When I drive on these days, I make it one  place and then head home, HG wears you out physically too people.

I folded a basket of clothes. Made the bed. Went out with my Mommy.

And it was ok. 

I got tired and had to sit sometimes. I had to be clear about how I felt and my limitations. I don't last long, and one or two things make me super tired. But there was some things that happened that made it so worth it.

For example, I met a man while I was resting who had been married 61 years. Told me that his wife was still the most beautiful and elegant lady that he'd ever seen. Told me where he was from, talked about Sight and Sound in Lancaster PA, and about his great-grandchild due in April. He explained that he hated shopping, but went with her because she liked it, and how hungry he was. He asked me how long I'd been married (a year this Sunday!!) and congratulated me on our Ellie Girl. We talked food, groceries, life, and the Bible. His wife called him over to help her get the groceries checked out, and on their way out, he shook my hand and said "God bless you, your husband, and your baby." His wife told me that if we didn't have a name picked out, that Rebekah was a great name (it was her name!). When I told them we did, and who and why she is named what she is named, they both big smiles, he said, "That's a beautiful tribute to what sounds like a great man and some great friends. That's a good name."

My mom checked out soon after, and told me she should have given me the keys to the car, but I'm so glad she didn't. That man made my day, and if he is the only reason I went out, then God knew what He was doing.

So often we see broken marriages, and hear the horror stories. This world can be harsh, cruel, subjecting us to some things that hurt our heart. Coming across a man, woman, human, that make our hearts burst with joy and love, that's something special.

I hope one day, when Blair and I are married for 61 years, Lord Willing, and out grocery shopping, he or I get the chance to sit next to a 22 week pregnant woman and encourage her like I felt today. A complete stranger...he has no idea how much that conversation stuck with me.

Most importantly today, I got to spend time with my Mommy. I covet this time with her. She knows that sometimes I can't do so much, and that I need breaks. She walked into my messy house and never said a word about it. Grace comes in all forms. I realize how special this time is, and how incredibly blessed I am to be near her. Granted, she knows and I know, we both have our own busy lives. We don't do EVERYTHING with one another, and she knows my time with Blair is very...special and we both covet the time we get to spend together. And I know she's still a Mommy to three younger siblings, those things are important.

As I am on the journey to holding my baby (I already am a mother...) I just think about what it was like for her, all those times she was pregnant, all those times she prepared her heart to bring into this world another beautiful Carrigan baby. When our Ellie Girl wriggles and moves (which feels like a lot right now!) I think, you know, once, my mom felt this way about me. The wonder and excitement never gets old, I pray that it doesn't even get old. Each movement, each flutter is a reminder that she truly is there, that she is ours for a while, that we are blessed.

She dropped me off this afternoon and I passed out for a while. :) I am not kidding when I tell you I get super tired. I'm feeling good, ok, and I'm excited, because this means I can go to work tomorrow, Lord Willing. Mornings in the past week or so, have become hard for me again. It's like November all over again. Each day is new though, and I've stopped trying to plan what will and won't happen. I can't do that. I don't know. I don't know if I will wake up tomorrow feeling awesome, or if I will want to crawl back into bed and pray that my stomach stops hurting, that I won't puke more.

God is Holy. And...the more I come back to Him, and focus on what He says instead of what I feel, I do better. It's hard. It's really hard sometimes. When I throw up, yet another time, it's hard to think He hears what I've been begging. But you know, at the beginning of this pregnancy all I ever did was pray and pray and pray that we would make it this far, I never even thought to ask Him to make the pregnancy easy.

So really, He's answered all my prayers, and I just keep praying that He would help me focus on Him. Because really, trust me, I'm a better human when I do. I really am. :)

On a different note, I finally bought myself a pair of maternity pants! I had to call my Blair to make it was ok, because it feels like a lot of money, but I do miss wearing jeans, and my regular ones really aren't very comfortable. But these suckers! Oh man! Why don't we wear pants like these all the time?! I'm not kidding...I'm gonna wear them after I'm pregnant, I know it. I really am. :) I also bought a size down from what I normally buy...one, because I couldn't find my "normal" size, and two, because these fit very well. It was....it's nice. It's not the WAY I wanted to lose weight (sometimes, I feel like I'm bulimic... to a point where I need to go the Dentist to make sure my teeth are ok..yipes!!!) but you know, it's kinda a blessing, and I will take those where I can get them.